A real life situation

[Sol P]

Only the name has been changed here, but this is a real life situation. Its going to appear in next weeks update, some more stuff might be added to it. Your input will be appreciated.


Linda just liked to complain all her life; she did not have enough money to do everything she thought she needed to do. Then when she did make a chunk of money she simply found ways to risk it and lose most of it. Sometimes she played the market and did well but instead of taking a break and going on vacation she started looking for more opportunities. According to her everything was tough and difficult and no one could fully understand her situation. When someone tired to help she found ways to make her life look pathetic, ignored the advice or found some way to aggravate the person by making sarcastic comments about the individual that was trying to help her; these were petty attacks by a person who was jealous of the others life.

What’s wrong here?

1) She does not respect herself
2) When someone tries to help she descends into self-pity and starts complaining even more. If that does not work she finds some way to make sarcastic or tries to aggravate the person who is trying to help her.
3) She has lost all confidence in herself and is trying to drag the other person who is trying to help into her pit of misery and pain.
4) She has no goal
5) She does not bother to reward herself when she does well further reinforcing the view that she is worthless.

Now many would say that one should persist and keep helping her, act like a good Samaritan be kind be compassionate (yes kill yourself for her, ruin your peace of mind, increase your stress etc); at TI we have one simple policy if the person does not want to help themselves then buy them an extra shovel so that they can dig that hole faster. Such an individual does not need help, such an individual does not want help and if you help such a person they try their best to ruin your peace of mind. The only thing to do with such a person is to avoid them like the plague and let them destroy themselves. Help those who seek help and avoid those who seek to bury themselves.

Lets change things slightly

Linda is all of the above but she does something totally different. She calls her friend Harry and asks for help.

“Harry could you please help me I have reached such a low state in my life, I have lost respect for myself and I have no confidence in myself anymore”. (Linda without knowing it has moved from the losing zone into the winning zone. Identifying the problem is approx 75% of the solution.)

In making those statements Linda has just admitted that she has temporarily lost control of her life, but at the same time she has also admitted that she is a valuable person worth saving and that she can be much better then this. However because of the stress etc etc she has temporarily lost the ability to pull herself out of this dump on her own.

TI fully endorses helping such a person, in fact helping such a person is the best thing you can do as it helps make you a better person too.

Harry’s response “Linda I am here for you but I don’t know what I can do to help you but I am willing to give it my best shot”. (Notice he is putting the ball back in Linda’s court but he is doing it gently he is still telling her that he is here for her, but he is making her come up with a solution).

That’s really all Linda really needed to hear. What she was seeking was confirmation that she was someone important and that she was worth saving and Harry with that simple answer gave her the confirmation she so desperately needed to move onto the next level.

What did Harry really do, he provided a shoulder to lean on and listened to her. Linda was already on her way to a solution the moment she admitted she had a problem she just did not know it yet.

Now she feels good about herself, and indirectly she has a positive confirmation that her problem cannot be solved with some formula from a box and that she is the one that has to try find the solution but her good friend Harry is willing to provide support.

Now Linda is all charged up she is in charge, even Harry could not find a solution so this makes her feel even better about herself, it’s going to take a bit a work. Linda has just ended her problems. She is now in a new state the fact that she has decided that she has to look for a solution is the end of the old problem her mind will now start to work on it. However it will also start to work on other things and before she knows it Linda will be asking herself “hum what was the problem I had, did I really have a problem”.

The real problem was Linda did not have confidence in herself, she did not love herself nor did she think she was important.

The moment she admitted to having a problem it meant she started caring about herself and felt she was important enough to do something about it. This triggered a positive reaction in her mind and it wanted to do something to solve the problem, while trying to solve the problem she found out that there was really no problem at all. She just needed to really appreciate that she was indeed a valuable person.

Most misery originates in a persons inability to love themselves and in an inability to think that they can contribute to society.
That’s why the best way to kill misery is to be active; never ever retire and if you think you have nothing to do go and do some volunteer work. When you go out there and help someone it has a tremendously positive effect on your well-being. It has been scientifically proven that the person doing the work, the person receiving the benefit and a person observing this act all experience an overall improvement in their immune systems.

So the moral of the story is help those that want to help themselves and allow those that don’t to bury themselves. Do not under any circumstances help someone who does not want help, walk away no matter how close they are to you. They are time bombs waiting to explode and they will do their best to destroy your sense of well being and drag you down into their pits of misery and hell.

[TONY]

That was an interesting case study.

I think a nice follow up to this story would be a couple of excerpts from one of my favorite books...

Law #10: "Infection: Avoid the unhappy and unlucky"

"Those misfortunates among us who have been brought down by circumstances beyond their control deserve all the help and sympathy we can give them. But there are others who are not born to misfortune or unhappiness, but who draw it upon themselves by their destructive actions and unsettling effect on others. It would be a great thing if we could raise them up, change their patterns, but more often than not it is their patterns that end up getting inside and changing us. The reason is simple--humans are extremely susceptible to the moods, emotions, and even the ways of thinking of those with whom they spend their time...

Use the positive side of this emotional osmosis to advantage. If, for example, you are miserly by nature, you will never go beyond a certain limit; only generous souls attain greatness. Associate with the generous, then, and they will infect you, opening up everything that is tight and restricted in you. If you are gloomy, gravitate to the cheerful. If you are prone to isolation, force yourself to befriend the gregarious. Never associate with those who share your defects--they will reinforce everything that holds you back. Only create associations with positive affinities. Make this a rule of life and you will benefit more than from all the therapy in the world."

-from the 48 laws of power, Robert Greene

I think this also happens to nicely illustrate the potential of being involved on this board.

[Chad]

Here is an excerpt from Napolean Hill's "Think and Grow Rich" (a must read for anyone wanting to succeed in life) that may explain why some people don't want to be helped.

The Disaster of Destructive Thinking

The vibrations of fear pass from one mind to another just as quickly and surely as the sound of the human voice passes from the broadcasting station to the receiving set of a radio.
The person who gives expression, by word of mouth, to negative or destructive thoughts is practically certain to experience the results of those words in the form of a destructive "kick back". The release of destructive thought impulses, alone, without the aid of words, produces also a "kick back" in more ways than one. First of all and perhaps most important to be rememebered, the person who releases thoughts of a destructive nature must suffer damage through the breaking down of the faculty of creative imagination. Secondly, the presence in the mind of any destructive emotion develops a negative personality, which repels people, and often converts them into antagonists. The third source of damage to the person who entertains or releases negative thoughts lies in this significant fact -- these thought impulses are not only damamging to others, but they imbed themselves in the subconscious mind of the pereson releasing them, and there become a part of his character.
Your business in life is, presumably, to achieve success. To be successful, you must find peace of mind, acquire the material needs of life, and above all, attain happiness. All of these evidences of success begin in the form of thought impulses.

[freethinker]

does this book help you? that is great if you have found some truth in it. -to me this excerpt sounds hollow it just doesn't ring true

see also, tyler's take on the work

THE BRITTLE TRUTH
By John Tyler CEO Trader 007

"The Buddhists say that the main cause of suffering is desire. Our western myth is that if you want something badly enough, you’ll get it. ”Think Rich and Grow Rich” by Napolean Hill is a classic example that is held in Biblical reverence by most self – improvers. It fits nicely with what we want to belief: we can do anything if we set our minds to it, and persist long enough. Of the 90% of traders who fail, close to 100% belief this, so their failure just cannot be their fault.

If you’re interested in reality and not illusion read on, but if you hate myths being exploded, stop now before you become mad.

Napolean Hill was a failure.

Yes, you read correctly. A wonderful fellow and an excellent writer, but like WD Gann, survived financially by pedalling myths of what folk want to believe. Hill’s modern day publishers were so concerned about the truth, they wrote a full account of Hill’s life. The truth is sad. Poor Hill never knew when he was successful, and eventually destroyed each achievement, as he believed that greater success was just around the corner.

His greatest success is his posthumous fame."

[Sol P]

I spoke to John on length about this topic and my conclusion is that John is right but also pay careful attention to what John is saying.

The truth is sad. Poor Hill never knew when he was successful, and eventually destroyed each achievement, as he believed that greater success was just around the corner.

He was successful but he never knew when he had struck gold; my take on this subject is that there are elements in his work that can be used by the wise mind. In other words here and there Napoleon makes some good points he just was never able to apply them properly to himself and as a result instead of progressing or being happy with what he had he was constantly looking for more; sort of looking for a tree but missing the entire forest because he was blinded by his quest in finding one specific tree. Thats why he was a failure.

So this book should not be used as a guide for success in the normal sense but in the contrarian sense. Use certain points to help you advance but also make note of the short falls of the book.

[henry]

Everyone defines success differently, so it seems.

My first clause of success - Know Thyself. At some point, one may realize that this inevitably involves a relationship with a higher power.

My second clause of success - To Thyself Be True. To me, this means honesty and integrity, but also an openness (we make mistakes). Make a covenant with oneself and/or with one's higher power.

There's always hope for a person, especially for someone that you love; can't completely write a person off. Humans are suprisingly resilient, and beautiful I may add. Shouldn't help when they don't want it, but let them know that you are ready when they are. We've all had tribulations in our lives. The idea is to keep on moving; someone is always in need.

I believe that one should not avoid religions, but be able to feel at peace in any religous settings, whether catholics, christians, muslims, jews, buddhists, hindus, new age, etc. Religion can enhance our lives, if we keep our wit and humor, i.e. don't get caught in any cult . We can always connect on a human level. To create peace, embrace all, not by creating a unified religion (this can be dangerous), but by finding the esoteric truths in each religious belief. And so... we continue our journeys.

[Chad]

Well, I'm glad I was able to get some good feedback on my post. I appreciate all of your thoughts. Freethinker, I would be happy to hear your thoughts on why you don't think that passage rings true or give me an alternative explaination of the origin and mechanism of negative thought. I think his explanation is, at least, possible. Would you believe in the existance of radio waves without a radio? Isn't thought a form of energy? Haven't you ever had the same thought at the same time as another person right next to you? Or why is it that positive people are so attractive and negative people are not and why do they attract people like themselves? Also, is that the full extent of the John's article?
I would be interested in reading the publisher's account of Mr. Hill's life to discover the truth of his life or at least their version of the truth. I found the book to be quite helpful in improving my life and I know others who feel the same way. It is one of the reasons why I have persisted in my trading career. It would have been very easy to stop trading after all the bad trades I have had in the past. The book continues to sell many copies, so there must be some value in it to quite a few different people and there are no shortage of copycats out there. Nobody is perfect and I'm sure that Mr. Hill was not either. Just because he failed to know when he had success or wasn't content with what he had (I'm assuming that John and Sol's assertion is right), doesn't mean his other thoughts are null and void and that he was a failure in life. He may have failed at some aspects of his life or maybe even many, but does that make him a failure? To say someone is a failure is an awful strong and absolute catergorization. There is a big difference between being a failure and failing at some particular aspect in one's life.
I have noticed many people on these posts quick to label people winners/losers, successes/failures, etc. and I wonder by what definition and by who's criteria? And who are they to judge? Are all aspects of their life to their satisfaction? And if those aspects are, what's good for those people, might not be good for others.
I also hear a lot about reality on these posts. What is realty anyway? Reality, to me, is nothing more than what one believes based upon one's total awareness or consciousness. Now, without a doubt, some are more aware than others and they may bave a better understanding what is going on about a particular issue, but to say they know reality is a bit over the top. We can never truly know realty in the greatest sense of the word, because we are only human. We all have our own biases and could not possibly hope to know every fact in a given situation. God is the only one who knows the truth and it's our job to find out the bits and pieces to the best of our ability.

[Sol]

Well you make two valid points

the failure concept and the reality concept

I am sorry i failed to fully explain myself. Failure is necessary in life in fact it is the stepping stone to success. In napoleons case the reason both I and John call him a failure is because he basically died unhappy, he never was able to find what he was looking for; in other words for him failure was nothing but a stepping stone into hell instead of success. On the other hand if he failed a 100 times but was able to end of with success then his story would be a complete success.

He never utilized or followed what he preached.

In terms of reality the closest one came to the real thing is if they are at least 90% plus unbiased in their assessment of new subject matter. However its very hard for anyone to be a 100% unbiased in all aspects of ones life. So on the reality front what appears to be reality to one person could be a nightmare of illusion to another. If we start bringing in all the different dimensions that are out there into this subject then almost nothing is real based on current perceptions but that is topic for another day.

[Chad]

Fair enough. I appreciate the reply, Sol. Based upon your further explanation, I agree with what you mean by failure and reality and about Hill.